


Still a Little Hard to Say

by celeste9



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Declarations Of Love, Drinking, F/F, First Kiss, First Time, Friendship, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Misunderstandings, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 09:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5863153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe kisses Finn and then quickly realizes that it's hard to be the good guy when you aren't sure exactly what that means. </p>
<p>Or, Poe cock-blocks himself while Rey tells him he's stupid and thinks about kissing Karé.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still a Little Hard to Say

**Author's Note:**

> For those who may be confused, Poe's Rapier Squadron, consisting of himself, Karé, Iolo, and Muran, was featured in Before the Awakening. Also, hey, look at me, I can write non-OT3 fic! *g* Though mostly this just gave me an excuse to start experimenting with Rey/all the female pilots, haha. The title is from Vienna Teng.

The first time Poe kissed Finn was on Karé’s birthday. He was laughing, watching Karé, a few too many of Snap’s drinks in her, attempting to flirt with Rey, who managed to seem confused, flattered, and a little bit intrigued all at the same time. He turned his head a little, looking at Finn’s profile, seeing him joke with Jess. Finn noticed him looking and smiled, that genuinely happy, affectionate smile he seemed to give to Poe only. Or at least, it felt like that to Poe, anyway.

Poe started to feel like it was too warm, he was too warm, Finn was too close and he couldn’t think properly, he needed some room to breathe. He slid outside, wanting to take a minute to pull himself together. The night air felt cool on his skin and he stood there, eyes on the sky, breathing in and out.

“Poe?”

“Hey, buddy,” Poe said, taking a second to close his eyes before turning around to greet Finn.

Finn walked another step closer. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just felt a little… hot.”

“Maybe it was the brandy?”

“Maybe,” Poe said, though he knew it was less the alcohol and more Finn. He couldn’t say that, obviously, both because it was embarrassing and because he didn’t think it would be fair to Finn, to pressure him like that. “I just needed some space.”

Finn hesitated, tensing like he was getting ready to leave. “Should I leave you alone?”

“Nah, I don’t mind if it’s you. I never mind if it’s you.” Crap. Had he said that out loud?

But Finn was smiling. “Okay.” He moved next to Poe, and suddenly all the reasons why Poe had wanted to flee came flooding back.

As a distraction, Poe said, “I’m not sure we should leave Rey in there with Karé for too long.”

“Pretty sure Rey can handle anything, up to and including tipsy pilots.”

“I think Karé left tipsy behind about three drinks ago,” Poe said, though what he really wanted to say was, _and can you handle tipsy pilots?_

“What’s your stance on tipsy pilots, then?”

Oh. Oh, fuck it all. Yeah, judging by the way Finn was staring, Poe had definitely said that out loud. His brain was a traitor, and so was his mouth. And also Snap, who clearly had put something in his drink.

But Finn’s expression was open and warm and a little bit shy, and he was saying, “I don’t know, I’m not sure I have enough experience yet to form an opinion. But I think I like them.”

Poe blinked. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Poe was feeling that special kind of fake courage that resulted from a couple of drinks, and he was fairly sure Finn was actually flirting with him, so he threw caution away and raised his hand to Finn’s cheek, then slid it around behind his neck. “Can I kiss you?”

Finn’s eyes widened and flickered down to Poe’s mouth and then back up again, and his nod was eager enough.

Poe kissed him gently, mouth closed, letting Finn grow used to the sensation - and letting himself get used to it, too, if he was honest. It was faintly awkward at first, as Finn seemed unsure of how to conduct himself, but he caught on quickly as Poe just kept pressing soft, open-mouthed kisses to his lips. Finn moved with him, taking a breath every few seconds, curious and needy all at once. Poe tugged Finn’s hips closer, keeping them pressed flush together.

“Oi, you two!” Karé poked her head outside, shouting. “Stop making out and get back in here, if anyone’s getting lucky tonight it should be me!”

Iolo appeared next to her. “But thanks for finally getting your heads out of your asses!”

Poe leaned his forehead against Finn’s, chuckling quietly. “I’m sorry about my friends,” he said.

“I like your friends,” Finn said, and stole one more quick kiss. “I guess we should go back?”

Reluctantly, Poe let Finn lead the way back inside. Rey was positively beaming at them, and then everyone started clapping, led by Jess. Of course.

“Yeah, fuck you, too,” Poe said, but he slung his arm around Finn’s waist and kept it there, because he could.

-

Though Poe had had his fair share of confusing mornings, waking up with Finn in his bed was definitely up there with the best of them.

He lay there for a minute, taking stock. (And, okay, yes, appreciating the fact that he was waking up with _Finn in his bed._ ) He was wearing clothes. Some clothes, anyway. His undershirt, and his underwear. Finn was similarly clothed, though he appeared to also be wearing pants. Poe’s head hurt, but not in that ‘I want to die but first I’m going to kill Snap and Karé’ way, just in a ‘I really shouldn’t have had that last drink’ way.

He remembered kissing Finn, and he remembered Iolo pulling out some bottle of something Poe couldn’t pronounce, and after that most of the night was sort of a blur. He just remembered being _happy._ And he was pretty sure Karé had kissed Rey.

He’d left with Finn, he remembered that, some time in the wee hours of the morning, soon after Finn had started nodding off against Poe’s shoulder where they sat. And then he supposed he must have thought it was a good idea to let Finn sleep in his bed.

No, wait. He hadn’t thought it was a good idea, but Finn had just collapsed there, and Poe was only so strong after a night drinking with the pilots, so he’d basically said ‘fuck it’ to himself, and collapsed next to Finn.

So now here they were.

Poe considered getting up. It was the safest option. He could get up before Finn woke up, so Finn wouldn’t feel uncomfortable about any physical reactions Poe may or may not have been experiencing. It was the best thing to do. Possibly slightly cowardly, but there you go.

The problem was that it felt _so good_ to lie there with Finn so close, with Finn’s ass nestled against Poe’s crotch. He trailed his fingertips over Finn’s arm and told himself he’d move in a minute. Just a little bit longer.

Which, of course, was when Finn decided to wake up.

He stretched, pushing back a little against Poe. “Morning,” he mumbled, rolling over so he could look Poe in the face, his expression sleepy and content.

Oh, hell, what Poe wouldn’t give to wake up like this every morning. “Morning,” he said.

Finn leaned forward for a kiss, and while his breath might have smelled a bit too much like stale booze for Poe’s liking (not that Poe’s was any better, he was sure), Poe didn’t really feel like complaining. It would have been so easy to pull Finn in closer, to roll him over, to -

Right, so, Finn felt way too good, and Poe wasn’t overly confident in his ability nor his motivation to resist him at the moment, so he fixed the problem entirely by practically falling out of bed and saying, “Okay. Okay, let’s get breakfast. Breakfast? Yeah, sounds good, right?”

Finn’s brow was furrowed and he rubbed his hand over his face. “Um. Okay, if you want.”

His kicked puppy thing was making Poe feel like an ass, but this was for the best. He wasn’t going to be the one to rush Finn into things he wasn’t ready for, to take advantage of him. In an attempt to make this look less like a brush-off, though, Poe leaned over to give Finn another kiss.

“Let me just put some clothes on,” he said, noting with satisfaction that Finn seemed a bit happier.

This was going to work. Slow and steady, that was all they had to do.

He could do this.

-

They ran into Jess in the mess hall and set their plates down at her table. She smirked at them over her glass. “Hey, boys. Sleep well?”

Finn was blushing. Poe squeezed his knee underneath the table. “Like babies, Pava. How about you?”

“In an emptier bed than yours, clearly.”

“Think about my bed often, do you?”

Jess grinned. “Oh, you know how it is, Dameron. Lonely nights. Girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.”

Poe covered Finn’s ears. “Not in front of the children!”

Finn pushed Poe off, but he was laughing. “Your relationship is so weird.”

Raising an eyebrow, Jess waved between Finn and Poe. “Let me present Exhibit A for weird relationships. How long did it take for you to give in to the inevitable make-out session?”

“Exactly long enough,” Poe said, though he was sure he would have been happy kissing Finn a long time ago. Possibly the day they’d met. Provided they hadn’t had to do the whole escape from the First Order thing. And then crash. And then think the other guy was dead. Right, except for all that.

“If you say so,” Jess said, glancing to Finn, who looked as dubious about Poe’s statement as Jess did.

Poe felt that dealing with all of this was too much for his slightly hungover brain to process so he just ignored it, and redirected the conversation to the flying he and Jess were set to do that afternoon.

He put his hand back on Finn’s thigh, though, and left it there.

-

Rey had spent most of the day doing secret Jedi training things with Luke Skywalker, so when she’d barged in on Poe and Finn, she’d been tired and sweaty and basically just fell onto the bed. Poe and Finn had rearranged themselves accordingly. Now Rey’s head was in Finn’s lap and Poe had his arm behind Finn’s shoulders.

“So what’s going on with you and Karé?” Poe asked her. “Is that a thing now?”

“I don’t know,” Rey said. “I like Karé, I do, I think she’s amazing, and she’s a great pilot, but…”

“You just want to be friends?”

“I don’t know. How am I supposed to know?”

“That’s easy,” Poe said. “You think she’s amazing, then she’s just your friend. You think she’s amazing _and_ you want to make out with her, then you’d like her to be your girlfriend.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Oh, gee, thanks, Poe, you’re so helpful. Truly stunning advice, thank you.”

“Always happy to help,” Poe said with a grin.

“How about you two, then? Are you boyfriends now? Officially?”

Poe looked at Finn, who was gazing back at him hopefully. Poe kept rubbing his thumb in circles on Finn’s shoulder. “Yeah, I guess we are.”

Finn’s wide smile did weird things to Poe’s insides. It took an effort to look back down at Rey again.

“Good,” Rey said in satisfaction. “I approve of this development.”

“Well, thanks. I’d hate to think I’d disappointed you by shacking up with your best buddy.”

Rey slapped Poe’s knee. “You’re my best buddy, too, when you’re not being an ass.”

“How often is that?” Finn mused.

“You know,” Poe said in mock offense, “generally I’m applauded for my niceness. Nice to everybody, that’s me. Poe Dameron, best guy you’ll ever meet.”

“The sarcasm’s an issue, though.”

“Definitely,” Rey agreed.

“Well,” Poe huffed. “I guess I won’t say what I was going to say.”

Rey barely kept herself from rolling her eyes. “Yes, you will.”

“Okay, yes, I will. I was going to say, that if you did want to date Karé, I think that would be… good. I approve.”

Rey stayed silent, but the corners of her mouth uplifted in the faintest of smiles.

-

Finn had never seen an actual film. First Order training vids and promotional material absolutely did not count. It had actually made something in Poe’s chest feel like it was breaking when Finn just nonchalantly said that they hadn’t had much free time, and that the sort of pure entertainment value films Poe was talking about hadn’t generally been approved of.

So they were watching a film, BB-8 projecting it onto the back wall of Poe’s quarters.

It wasn’t a very good film. Poe had gotten confused some time before the fourth ex-boyfriend had shown up, and he actually spoke decent Bothan. Finn was hopelessly lost as he tried to follow the poorly translated Basic, and Poe had mostly given up trying to help, considering he wasn’t entirely certain what was happening anymore.

“Why are they dancing like that? Is that what they’re doing?” Finn asked.

“Beats me.” Poe listened to BB-8. “Beebee-Ate says it’s some sort of old-fashioned Bothan courtship ritual.”

“But I thought that was one of the exes?”

“You’re asking the wrong guy, buddy. I guess we should have gone for the Nubian one.”

“It’s not bad, it’s just… weird.”

“No, it’s bad.”

“Okay, it’s pretty bad.” Finn shifted from where he was leaning against Poe to grab his drink, but lost his balance and spilled the cup on himself. “Crap!” He sprang off the bed, trying not to drip onto it or onto Poe.

“Hey, it’s fine,” Poe said, grabbing a towel to try to help clean up. “Is it… Oh, buddy. You’re gonna need a change.”

Finn paused in his fruitless efforts to wipe off his shirt. “I think you’re right. That’s okay, I’ll just, I’ll go back to my bunk; I probably have something clean somewhere.”

“We’re about the same size, here,” Poe said, and dug through his drawer, pulling out a shirt and, on second glance, a pair of pants, too.

“Great, I’ll give them back tomorrow, after I’ve cleaned them.”

“Don’t worry about it, keep ‘em.”

“Poe, you can’t just keep giving me all your clothes.”

“I’ve got enough,” Poe said. “I won’t miss them.” What he declined to say was that he just liked seeing Finn wearing Poe’s clothes.

Finn had that look in his eyes, that half-startled, half-touched expression he got sometimes, like he couldn’t understand why people were being so nice to him. “It’s just clothes,” Poe almost said, but stopped himself. He supposed even the gift of an extra, secondhand shirt might be extraordinary for Finn, who had never truly owned anything in his life before coming to the Resistance.

Likely he’d never been given anything, either. Poe needed to stop thinking things like that. He could just imagine the rest of his life if he didn’t - he’d be constantly coming over all emotional while Finn patted his back and told him it was okay, really, calm down, Poe, it’s fine. Poe suppressed a shudder.

“It’s fine,” Poe said, and made Finn take what he was offering before sitting back on the bed. He made a show of turning away. “Look, I won’t even watch.”

“You can watch if you want,” Finn said, tone colored with amusement but a bit of suggestiveness, too.

Obviously Poe wasn’t strong enough to resist such an offer. “Well, then,” he said, and stretched out on the bed, arms behind his head. “Do continue.”

Finn laughed, but his skin had flushed a little. Off came his shirt, and then his pants, both dropped unceremoniously onto the floor. Admittedly it was an inelegant strip show but the subject left no room for complaints.

Finn was looking at Poe out of the corner of his eye. Poe licked his bottom lip.

“Okay, so,” Finn said, moving back over to the bed. He swung one leg over Poe’s hips and knelt there over him. “I don’t actually have to put anything back on. If you don’t want. I mean, er, well. I just.”

His voice trailed off, which was probably a good thing, because Poe was having a hard time concentrating on his words. There was so much bare skin on display and he touched Finn’s chest lightly with his fingertips, just barely smoothing his hands over firm muscles, unsure really of what was allowed. Finn’s breath hitched as Poe kept touching him, his chest, his stomach, his thighs.

Poe wanted to push Finn onto the bed and lick him open, wanted to thrust inside him and watch his face as he came. He didn’t trust himself to go slowly, to be patient, not when he could already feel his body’s growing interest just from Finn straddling him like this. He wanted to go rub one out but he couldn’t exactly say, “Hey, Finn, buddy, do you mind standing outside in the hall for a minute while I jerk off to the memory of your weight on top of me?”

So obviously that wasn’t going to fly. Poe couldn’t quite make himself let go of Finn’s waist, but he said, “We should, ah, we should finish the film.”

“Your droid made his exit when the clothes started coming off.”

Looking around him, Poe finally noticed that BB-8 was, in fact, gone. Actually, that made sense. “Um, right. Of course he did. I’ll just get him back.”

“Poe--”

“No, we should watch the rest, it probably gets better, right? At least we should know how it ends. I’ll be back in a minute.” When Poe started to move, Finn sighed and got off him, lying on his back on the bed with an arm flung over his face.

“One minute,” Poe said again, and didn’t let himself look at Finn. He couldn’t.

He rushed out of the room and then stood there in the hall, his back against the door. He cursed under his breath in three different languages and tried to think of the unsexiest images he could. A Hutt. Naked Hutts. Yeah, that would do.

It took him longer than a minute to find BB-8. The droid seemed surprised to see him, and went on to voice that quite clearly.

“I know what you thought. But we want to finish the film.”

BB-8 beeped anxiously.

“No, it’s okay. Finn’s fine, I’m fine, we’re all fine.” Poe listened to a series of fast-paced, concerned chirping sounds and then said, “Seriously? Is this seriously my life now? Come on, Beebee-Ate, I don’t need sex advice from a droid, okay? It’s complicated. I know what I’m doing.”

BB-8 emitted an extremely doubtful and unconvinced bit of binary.

“Yeah, whatever. Get back in there.”

BB-8 told Poe in no uncertain terms that he was a very confusing human and possibly a bit dumb, but he nevertheless began rolling back in the direction of Poe’s quarters.

Poe sighed and followed him. “You’re probably right, Beebee-Ate,” he said to himself.

-

Poe let Finn go through his old holos sometimes. Finn didn’t have anything like that of his own and he always seemed so curious, curious to know about Poe’s friends and his family, about his life. Poe supposed it made sense. Finn didn’t really know what it was like to have a regular life, to have the sort of memories that Poe had, the mementoes and keepsakes and the emotions that went along with them.

It made Poe sad, when he thought about it, so he always let Finn rifle through whatever he wanted.

Currently Poe was sitting at his console going through specs for a new model X-wing while Finn was sprawled on the bed watching holos of Poe when he was at the academy. Poe was mostly pretending he couldn’t see or hear anything because damn, talk about incriminating evidence. He had begun to regret the free reign he’d given to Finn.

But Poe looked up when Finn said, “Who’s he?”

He’d found one from Poe’s early days in the Republic Navy, before he’d made rank. It was a holo of Poe, Karé, Iolo, and Muran, all of them laughing, probably drunk. At least, Poe and Karé were definitely drunk.

Finn was looking at Muran.

Poe closed his eyes briefly and swallowed. “The reason I’m here.”

Finn gazed questioningly at him.

“He… he died. He was in my squadron, while I was still with the Republic Navy. And he died. First Order. And I realized… The First Order was out there, and they were a threat, and no one was doing anything about it. I couldn’t… I owed it to Muran to do something. I owed it to my parents.”

“Because they fought the Empire?”

“Because they fought for _us._ They risked their lives, over and over, because it was the right thing to do, so that I could live in a better world, so that we could all live in a better world. They fought so we could be free, and the First Order wants to take that away from us. I can’t let that happen.”

Finn stayed silent for long enough that Poe started to feel uncomfortable. Just as Poe opened his mouth to say something sarcastic to ease the tension, Finn said, “For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you.”

That startled a laugh out of Poe. “Right. Come on, I’m just a pilot. You’re the stormtrooper who escaped the First Order, evaded capture on Jakku in possession of the droid they wanted more than anything, infiltrated the Starkiller Base, and took on Kylo Ren with a lightsaber.”

“Oh, is that what we’re doing now? Because, correct me if I’m wrong, but that was your droid they wanted, with the information you found, and got _tortured_ for. And I could be misremembering this, but I believe you were the guy I escaped from the First Order with, who then, oh yeah, blew up the Starkiller Base. Should I go on? Because I’ve heard a lot of stories. Commander,” Finn added with emphasis.

“Okay, okay,” Poe said. “This is stupid. You’re proud of me, I’m proud of you, we’re proud of each other. Everyone’s proud.”

Finn narrowed his eyes, like he wasn’t sure if Poe was just brushing him off, but he let it go. “Okay. I’m going back to the holos, then. There’s one of you singing on a countertop, that’s my favorite.”

“There is not,” Poe said, horrified.

“Oh, no, you’re right, my mistake.” Finn paused, long enough for Poe’s stomach to unclench. “Karé’s got that one.”

“That’s it,” Poe said. “We’re done with holos! Go find Rey; maybe you can embarrass her instead.”

Finn got up, grinning. He kissed Poe’s cheek and said, “Your voice is lovely,” before letting himself out.

Poe contemplated the blackmail material he had on Karé and considered what he could show Rey.

-

On a rare free afternoon, they took a speeder out and raced away from the base, Finn sitting with an arm around Poe’s waist and whooping in joy at the speed. Poe might possibly have shown off a little, swerving around trees and amping up the speed. Judging by the look on Finn’s face when they dismounted, both of them flushed and laughing, he knew perfectly well what Poe had been doing, but he didn’t call Poe out on it. Instead he ran his hand through Poe’s ruffled hair and said, “I get to fly us back, right?”

“Right,” Poe said, like he could deny Finn anything. Finn was serviceable with a speeder and anyway Poe liked teaching him; it was basically just an excuse to sit as close to him as possible and use his hands a lot.

Finn kissed him on the mouth and then pulled out the blanket they’d tucked into the back of the speeder, spreading it over the ground.

They shared lunch and then just lay together, talking idly and enjoying each other’s company. The sun was pleasantly warm and the breeze was light. Finn was lying half-sprawled over Poe’s chest and Poe had that comfortable, drowsy sort of feeling, where he thought he’d be happy if he never had to move again in his life.

Finn’s fingers danced across the skin of Poe’s arm. “It’s quiet here.”

Poe murmured a non-verbal agreement.

“No one around for ages.”

Poe hummed again.

Finn turned himself around so he was facing Poe, still mostly on top of him. He kissed Poe’s mouth, slow and easy, just a little tongue. Yeah, this was fine, kissing, yeah? Poe could do this. He could be an adult about this, he could make out with his boyfriend under the bright sun without assaulting him.

Their legs tangled together and Poe wanted his hands everywhere, sliding them first over Finn’s sides and then cupping his ass. Poe twitched his hips upward, subconsciously seeking more friction, and Finn correspondingly thrust downwards a little against him. Finn groaned, a rumble from the back of his throat that seemed to reverberate against Poe.

“Fuck,” Poe said, and pushed Finn away, scrambling out from beneath him. He felt hot, his hair falling into his eyes, and he tried taking a few deep breaths before speaking. “We shouldn’t, ah… We shouldn’t do this here.”

“Why not?” Finn exclaimed, staring at him uncomprehendingly.

Poe tried to make his brain work. _Fix this, Dameron, fix this._ “Because… because someone could see us.”

“We’re in the middle of nowhere!”

“We should get back, we’ve been out here too long. I need to check on Beebee-Ate.”

“He’s a droid, not a baby. He’s fine.”

There was a reddening mark on Finn’s neck, the beginnings of a bruise. Had Poe done that? It was distracting. “I guess I just don’t feel comfortable being away from base for so long. Come on, you can take us back.”

“You do it,” Finn said, and started cleaning up. He refrained from acknowledging Poe’s help and after they’d finished he simply climbed into the passenger side of the speeder, still deliberately avoiding looking at Poe.

Which was fine, because Poe felt like an asshole all on his own. He slid in next to Finn and said, “Finn--”

“It’s fine,” Finn said. “You were right. It was a stupid idea. Let’s go back.”

Poe wanted to say something but he didn’t know what. He didn’t know how to explain what he was feeling, all his jumbled-up, confused emotions and thoughts, how much he wanted Finn and how desperately he didn’t want to hurt him, or for Finn to be hurt because of him. Worse, he was afraid that he’d already failed.

He didn’t know what to say so he just said, “I’m sorry,” and started up the speeder.

-

That evening Poe went into Jess and Karé’s quarters, BB-8 at his heels. Jess took one look at his face and said, “Oh, not you, too. If you guys are gonna be downers together then I’m leaving to find someone fun. Like Rey,” she added with a twist of her lips.

Karé made a rude gesture at her from where she was seated on her bed that only made Jess laugh.

“Better move fast, is all I’m saying,” Jess said, and ducked out of the room.

Poe flopped down on Karé’s bed, his head next to her thigh, while BB-8 rolled over next to Karé’s R4 unit, chattering animatedly.

Karé dropped her hand down onto Poe’s head, absently stroking his hair. “She wouldn’t--”

“Never,” Poe said. “She’s just giving you a hard time.”

“Yeah, I figured. I just…” Karé exhaled, breath coming out in a huff. “You know.”

“Yeah,” Poe said.

They sat in silence, Karé’s fingers in Poe’s hair while he tried to empty his mind of all his racing, scattered thoughts. What was he going to say to Finn? What _could_ he say? He kept seeing Finn’s dejected face in his mind, like the image was stuck on an endless, repeating loop in his head, making Poe feel worse and worse. He hated himself for being the one to make Finn look like that, for being the one to bring him pain. Finn deserved so much better than that. He deserved better than Poe.

“Poe.”

“Hmmm?”

Karé poked him.

“Aw, hey, come on. Uncalled for.”

“Poe, d’you think I’ve got a shot with Rey?”

“Everybody’s got a shot with anybody.”

Karé poked him again, harder. “Poe! That is not an answer! And it’s not helpful.”

“Geez, Karé, fuck’s sake. Ask Rey if you’ve got a shot with her, not me. I can’t even straighten out my own love life, let alone yours.”

“Yeah, you’re really struggling, what with Finn practically glued to your side and all.”

“It’s more complicated than that.”

“Yeah? Could’ve fooled me.”

“You try dating a former stormtrooper, then. How am I supposed to know how to act, when he... But I… And he’s never…” Poe just closed his mouth and admitted defeat.

“Shit,” Karé said. “You’re not sleeping with him.”

Poe could feel his cheeks reddening. “Not everything is about sex. I don’t sleep with everyone.” Wait. That came out wrong.

“Finn is not everyone, Dameron. What the fuck?”

“He was a _stormtrooper_.”

Karé stayed silent for a moment. Then, “Oh. _Oh._ ”

“Yeah,” Poe said, and sighed.

BB-8 beeped mournfully.

“I’m sorry,” Karé said. “I’ve been so caught up in my own crap I didn’t even notice you were struggling.”

Poe waved her off. “Not your problem. It’s basically a problem I created myself. I think I… I think I’m making it worse.”

“How?”

“Too busy trying not to push him into things he’s not ready for and doesn’t want that I think I’ve actually been pushing him away.”

“Oh, Poe. How’s that working out for you?”

“Not well.”

Someone knocked. Karé said, “What?”

Iolo came in and looked from Poe to Karé. “Now, this is just sad. You guys need to get laid.” After a second he added, “And Dameron doesn’t even have that excuse.”

“Fuck you,” Poe said, about half a second before Karé, the horrible traitor, said, “He hasn’t even sexed up Finn yet.”

Iolo blinked his large eyes. “Well, hell,” he said, and sat down on the end of Karé’s bunk, shoving Poe’s feet out of the way. “Guess it’s a good thing I brought this, then,” he said, and offered Poe a bottle of Rodian spice liquor.

“You know I hate this shit,” Poe said, but he propped himself up on an elbow so he could take a long swallow.

“Give that here,” Karé said, stealing the liquor out of his hand so she could have it for herself.

“I pity those kids you two’ve set your sights on,” Iolo said. “They’ve got no idea what they’re in for.”

“A life of adventure, clearly,” Karé said, and raised the bottle in a mock toast.

_Adventure,_ Poe thought. That was one way to put it, anyway.

-

“Damn it,” Poe muttered as he dropped his wrench, bending over to pick it up. When he looked up again, Rey was standing there, off to the side of Poe’s X-wing. She looked… very unhappy. And a little scary. “Yeah?” Poe said, trying to recall if he’d done something stupid recently.

All right, rephrase. He tried to narrow down exactly what stupid thing she was most likely to be angry about.

It was Finn. It was definitely Finn.

“What are you doing?” Rey demanded.

“I’m working on my X-wing.”

“Don’t play coy with me, Poe Dameron. You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Okay, well, maybe you could explain what you meant first before you bite my head off.”

“What are you doing with Finn?” Rey clarified.

BB-8’s eye swiveled between Poe and Rey and he uttered an anxious electronic inquiry.

“We’re fine, Beebee-Ate, we’ll finish this later, okay?” Poe said, tossing the wrench back into the toolbox. “Give Rey and me a few minutes.”

Hesitantly BB-8 rolled off underneath the X-wing, though Poe could see him stay there, watching them.

“I’m not doing anything with Finn, as far as I know, unless you mean dating him,” Poe said.

“Remember how we established that you two are my best buddies? So Finn talks to me when he’s upset. Not that I really needed him to in order to know something was wrong. So I ask again, what are you doing?”

Poe’s heart sank. “Finn is upset?”

Rey’s expression softened. “Oh, Poe.”

It sounded a bit like ‘you idiot’. Poe supposed that was fair.

Poe ran his hand through his hair, remembering too late that his hand was covered in grease. He cursed under his breath and wiped his hands on his pants. “It’s me, isn’t it? I screwed up, didn’t I?”

“You know,” Rey said, a wry tilt to her lips. “I’m not actually the best person to be in the middle of this. I can’t really give advice to either of you. At least not good advice.”

“Well, that probably makes us even, as apparently everyone seems to think I’m better at relationships than I actually am.”

“You do give off the impression--”

“Yeah, I know what people think.” Some of it was true. Some of it wasn’t, or at least, wasn’t true anymore. Poe had admittedly had his share of fun in his younger days, but as he’d gotten older he had… settled. He still enjoyed fun, but he wanted something more. That elusive ‘something more’ was predictably hard to come by, so he was maybe a little out of practice. It was easier to be charming when you weren’t absolutely terrified of what might happen if you messed up.

All Poe did was try to be himself, and try to be the man his parents had raised him to be. He couldn’t help what others projected onto him.

Poe sat down on the ground next to his X-wing, feeling older than his years. Why was life so hard?

Rey sank down next to him, folding her legs up beneath her. “Finn doesn’t know what you want. He’s afraid it might not be him.”

“Obviously that isn’t true.”

“It isn’t obvious to Finn.”

“I love Finn,” Poe admitted, saying it aloud for the first time. He liked how it sounded.

“I know,” Rey said. “I think everyone on base knows that, except for maybe Finn himself.”

It seemed strange, that Finn could not know. How could he not know that Poe thought of him first thing every morning, and last thing before he fell asleep? How could he not know that Poe worried about him, that Poe got scared for him, that Poe liked thinking of things to say to him that would make him laugh or smile? Poe felt like it must be all over his face, every time he looked at Finn. How could Finn not _know_?

“I’ve never been good at playing games,” Poe said. He valued sincerity and he always tried to tell the truth to the people he cared about. “I’m afraid that’s what I’ve been doing with him. I guess that’s where I went wrong.”

_I was so busy trying to do the right thing that I did the completely wrong thing,_ he realized. _And I kept doing the wrong thing, over and over._ He’d been so stupid.

“I love you, but you are so stupid sometimes.”

“Funny how that works, isn’t it?” Poe said, but he bumped his shoulder against Rey’s in a small acknowledgement of how genuinely touched he was by her words.

“Also, I’m just wondering, is this necessary?” Rey gestured to Poe. “Karé really wasn’t kidding.”

Poe looked down at himself. He was just wearing what he always wore when he tinkered with his ship, an old sleeveless undershirt and an even older pair of pants. He was admittedly a bit grease-smeared, but he felt that was understandable, given the circumstances. “What?”

“It’s just… Your clothes are so tight!”

“They’re old!”

“Well, no wonder half the Resistance has a crush on you if you’re always out climbing all over your X-wing dressed like that.”

“Gee, Rey, I’m sorry my ass is so distracting.”

She giggled, and Poe couldn’t help but laugh, too. “You should probably find Finn while you’re dressed like that. He won’t even care what you have to say.”

“And you said you couldn’t give advice,” Poe said, putting his arm around Rey’s shoulders and pulling her over to himself.

“Good advice,” she clarified, leaning into the half-hug.

“What do you think,” Poe said, tugging at a strand of his hair. “Grease? No grease? What’s a better look on me?”

Rey pretended to give it serious consideration. “You could leave the grease,” she decided. “Just makes you look more rugged. You were sweaty and bloody when you met, right? He probably likes it.”

“You’ve been spending way too much time with Karé and Jess.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Their influence is dubious, but I still like you, so I suppose it’s okay.”

Rey glanced at him, almost shyly, and her words were soft. “I’d like to kiss Karé. I think I will.”

Poe kissed her temple. “I’m glad,” he said, and Rey smiled.

-

Poe cleaned up before he saw Finn. Rey’s advice had sounded altogether too much like something that would come out of Karé’s or Pava’s mouth. Or, worse, like something Snap would say.

He might have intentionally put on another pair of flatteringly tight pants, though. It couldn’t hurt. If he was constantly distracted by Finn he figured it was only fair if he tried to make himself distracting, too.

That had been the plan, anyway, but Finn was wearing Poe’s shirt _and_ his jacket, and hell, how was he supposed to concentrate in that sort of circumstance? _You look good in my clothes,_ was all he could think, and he only barely stopped himself from saying it out loud.

But Finn did check out Poe’s ass, quickly, like he was trying to be surreptitious about it, so there was that.

Poe honestly didn’t know how to fix this, how to make this better, so he just decided to do what he’d always been best at.

He was just himself.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I know I ruined our trip the other day, and I know I’ve been… I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. You have to believe I never wanted to hurt you.”

“This isn’t a break-up conversation, is it?” Finn asked, tugging nervously at the hem of his jacket. “Because I’ve never had one so I don’t know what to expect. Please tell me if it is; I think it’ll be easier that way.”

“No!” Poe exclaimed. “Finn, no, I’m not breaking up with you.” A chill seemed to descend on him. “Unless that’s what you want?”

“No!”

“Okay. Good, then. Good.”

They just stood there staring at each other, and Poe didn’t know what else to say. To be honest he couldn’t even fully comprehend what was wrong, just that he’d been stupid, and Finn was hurting, and it was his fault. But beyond apologizing he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to make this right.

He took a step forward, reaching out to Finn, touching his cheek. “Do you-- Is it-- Is this okay? Are you okay?” He swallowed. “Are we okay?”

Finn’s eyes fluttered shut and he leaned infinitesimally into Poe’s hand. “Poe,” he said. “Poe, please.”

“Please what?” Poe said, feeling almost desperate. He moved closer still, resting his forehead against Finn’s and putting his hands on Finn’s hips. “Tell me what I should do. Tell me what you want; tell me how to fix this.”

“Please tell me what’s wrong with me,” Finn whispered.

Poe blinked, drawing back. “What? Why would you even say that? You’re perfect, Finn, you’re amazing, don’t you know that? I _love_ you.”

And maybe Poe hadn’t actually meant to say it yet, particularly not when they might be having a small disagreement, but there it was, and he couldn’t take it back.

And it was true.

“I love you,” he said again, just so Finn would know he meant it. Maybe he should have said it a long time ago. It might have saved them both some heartache.

Finn was gazing at him in wonderment. “You do?”

Poe smiled at him, cupping his palm over Finn’s cheek once more. “Sure, buddy. I do. I kind of thought you might know.” He shrugged. “Apparently it’s blindingly obvious, or so Karé tells me. And Rey. And Jess. And basically everyone I know, to tell you the truth.”

“Then why don’t you want me?”

Finn’s voice hitched slightly, which made Poe want to hit himself in the face a few times.

“Oh, shit,” Poe said, his brain scrambling furiously for a way to put this right. “I do! Fuck, I want you so much, you have no idea how--”

It hit him, then, how absolutely, completely right Rey had been. “Oh, damn. You have no idea. I’m so sorry, Finn. I was trying to be the good guy, I was trying not to pressure you.”

Finn only looked confused. “Pressure me into what? Doing what I already wanted to do? Having sex with the amazing guy I’m in love with?”

Poe tried not to get distracted by the love bit of that statement, because he didn’t think that was the important part. Or, it was, but it wasn’t the part he needed to be focusing on right now. “I… I didn’t want to push you, I didn’t want you to feel obligated, I… Finn, I know how it feels, to have these emotions, and everything is so new and intense and sex makes you… Sometimes it makes you feel things that aren’t really there, makes you think you feel them, and I didn’t want to be that guy who took advantage of you; I didn’t want you to… Oh, damn it,” Poe said, running his hand through his hair. He was just rambling and he didn’t know how to say what he wanted to, didn’t know how to make Finn understand.

“But Poe,” Finn said, smoothing his hands through Poe’s hair, half-fixing where Poe had just mussed it up and half-ruffling it even further. “I was already in love with you.”

In that moment Poe realized it hadn’t been Finn he’d been protecting. Or at least, not only Finn. He’d been trying to protect himself. He was terrified of losing this, losing Finn, losing their friendship, and he didn’t trust himself not to make a mistake. What if he ruined everything? What if Finn left him? What if this all went wrong and it was Poe’s fault?

He was terrified. He’d fought battles and he’d faced the First Order and he’d been tortured by Kylo Ren and he’d never been more terrified of anything else in his life.

“I’m afraid,” Poe confessed.

“Me, too. I think… I think that’s supposed to happen, when you care about something.”

Poe felt himself start to smile.

“Why are you smiling?”

“Because,” Poe said, and interspersed his words with kisses, pressing one to the tip of Finn’s nose, to his eyelids, his cheekbones, his chin, the corners of his mouth. “Here I was trying to protect you, when you were smarter than me the whole time.”

“If I’m so smart then you should listen to me. Just kiss me, please,” Finn breathed, and Poe did.

Poe knew that his problem had been entirely too much thinking, too much worrying, too much effort spent trying to plan for what couldn’t be planned for. So he stopped thinking, and he let himself feel. Finn’s mouth on his, the warmth of his skin, the way he smelled, the press of their bodies. Maybe this would work, and maybe it wouldn’t, but the only way to find out was to go with it.

He yanked Finn’s shirt off over his head, sucking kisses into Finn’s neck, while Finn fumbled with the fastening of Poe’s pants. They lost their clothes in a messy, tangled jumble, neither of them willing to part for long enough to make it easy, and Poe half-led, half-pushed Finn down onto the bed.

Poe knelt over him, Finn’s hands on his shoulders, down his back, on his ass. Poe dragged his teeth lightly along Finn’s jawline and listened to him moan.

“The things I want to do to you,” Poe said, his lips on Finn’s skin, Finn’s legs wrapped around his waist. “I’ll make you feel so good.”

“Yes,” Finn said. “Yes.”

Poe didn’t have to tell himself to not think and to just feel anymore.

**_End_ **

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [This is Only a Drill (The Anytime, Anywhere Remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12056292) by [igrockspock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/igrockspock/pseuds/igrockspock)




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